04 Oct

A few years plus several millennia ago, when we all slept on sandy cave floors, somebody jumped up at 2:30 in the morning, leaping and dancing around; screaming and hollering, “Ugh. Yaiee! Mer finst ad tad er ant i buxinom minum!” Translation (Ouch. Heck! I think I have ants in my pants.)

Ants have been attempting to coexist with man ever since.

Your snack, their feast

No matter where we live, no matter the height of the structure, (ants have been found on the top floor of the Empire State Building) ants just want to live with us and share our bounty. Like us, they have an insatiable sweet tooth or mandible as the case may be.

Even though there are many natural foods that can satisfy ants, they don’t compare to the plethora of snacks in your house that attract the typical ant. (When I say typical, I misspeak, since there are 14,000 species of ants.) Anyway, the ant invading your home is most likely a sugar ant or red ant. They particularly like your pantry full of crackers, cookies, chips, and breakfast cereal. And the ants that showed up to your picnic? Yeah, they got the signal you were coming and rearranged their schedule to attend.

Scout ants

Has this happened to you? You see one lone ant—one ant. Poor thing. What harm could one ant be? You don’t bother killing it, since it seems to be playing with that tiny piece of potato chip your toddler dropped. Two days later, a column of ants is transporting the rest of the spilled potato chip crumbs away to some hidden lair in your house. That one scout ant alerted the entire nest that somebody dropped giant chunks of deep-fried potato goodness under the high chair in the kitchen. Inexplicably, they all knew exactly where to go.

Check you pantry. Inspect your unopened boxes of crackers or cereal. Do any of them feel lighter than normal? Check the corners of the box to see if any of them have been chewed away, creating a door to ant nirvana, or Wheat Thins. If you find one box, you had better check them all.

Late night attack

What? You still haven’t called Admiral Pest Control? Wait until this happens.

You are sitting at your computer desk snacking on Oreos without milk; crumbs are flying everywhere. You are putting together a power point presentation for work tomorrow so you didn’t notice the ants around your feet scrambling to pick up your crumbs.

At some point, a half dozen scouts decide to take a look at what might be available on higher ground. They make their way up your pant leg since you have dozed off for a moment. You feel a little tickle mid thigh and go to scratch it when the lead ant signals the rest of the party that they are going to have to bite their way to freedom.

You leap up and dance around, ripping your pants off and throwing them across the room. You shout, “Ugh. Yaiee! Mer finst ad tad er ant i buxinom minum!” You run to the shower and strip down, hoping to wash the ants away. You dry off and notice the welts on your legs. You carefully pick up your pants and throw them in the wash.

You then call Admiral Pest Control.

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